xoder: (Burning Man)
Last night I noticed some kids hanging out on my stoop. My parents are away and my brothers were having a party at the time, so I checked with my brothers to ensure the loiterers were not theirs. They weren't, so I asked them to please get off my stoop. This one kid said no, he wouldn't, he and his friends lost something and anyways they were only going to be a few seconds. Oh, and he also swore at me. I asked him if he had already looked for it, and he said he had, so I repeated the request. He said he wouldn't, after all, what would I do, call the cops? The cops know him, he said, and they'd just laugh. He then said that he'd likely been in the neighborhood longer than I had, even though he was half my age and called me a yuppie.

This is about where I truly lost control of the conversation. I told him I grew up in the neighborhood. Never saw me, he said. Probably because I have a job and a life. This went on for a while until one of my brothers came out and also asked them to leave. The kid then said that if I wasn't going to call the cops, then he'd just have to fight me right there on the street.

Eventually, one of my brothers' friends came out, knew the kid through his sister (they are much more integrated into the locals than my family and I are) and gave him $10 for his lost property, and he went on his merry way.

The lost property? A dime bag, of course. They wanted to smoke up on my stoop. Which would open my parents' property up to search and seizure in case a police officer wanted to make a case of it. Which would have been bad for my dear brothers' party, no?

I just felt so helpless and useless. I hope tonight goes better.

On Arisia

Jan. 21st, 2009 10:55 am
xoder: (Default)
I had an excellent time working the Green Room with [livejournal.com profile] erin_trying, [livejournal.com profile] rosefox, [livejournal.com profile] sinboy, [livejournal.com profile] glib_dichotomy, [livejournal.com profile] malaul, and Randee [edit: [livejournal.com profile] kitteridge, and anyone else I missed [edit: [livejournal.com profile] deyo, and [livejournal.com profile] mactavish, for example]. I didn't get to spend much time out and about in the con, but it all worked out. Got some tasties from Dealer's Row, and got significant driving experience—at night and in (light) snow on the way home, even!

Big loud drinking/dancing parties hold no interest for me, and I must remind myself that this is not a character flaw, and it does not mean that I will never meet anyone interesting, and it does not mean that I should force myself to go. It does mean that the "inflationary" portion of my friend-gathering life is likely over, however, as I don't have the forced social environment like High School anymore. [By "inflationary", I am referring to the cosmological concept of inflation, which is when the young universe expanded extraordinarily fast before slowing down to where we are now.] I'm OK with that. It also means that I will likely have a bad time at any party like that. And I already know that I will have a bad time at any party I'm too sleepy at.

Reading the above, I wonder if I'm becoming an introvert lately. I've always loved casual contact with people (i.e., living in the city, making small talk), but I just cannot deal with loud, crowded, hot, dark parties. They do not move me in the slightest, and I find them uncomfortable. Much the same thing with bars, although, in addition, they seem pointless.

Bah, after writing such things, I feel like such a stick-in-the-mud and/or old man. Also, boring.

Fail?

Aug. 4th, 2008 05:18 pm
xoder: (Default)
Olive pants, dark brown shoes (nice and new!), khaki socks. I think the socks are the problem... Would navy or black be better?

My mom is back from the hospital again! Let's hope it sticks this time.
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xoder: (Default)
Found in a Borders bathroom. I've not obscured the phone number, so he you really think calling it is a good idea, you can. I hope this one comes out clearly - low light and mirror surfaces both suck separately, and they don't get any better together.

The past two days I've been trying (under gentle prodding) to file away the contents of some of my boxes & my books. The books were the easy part: just pick a scheme & stick to it. My desk and boxes, on the other hand, were hell, and for no good reason. I hate doing this kind of cleanup because I never can finish it in a reasonable amount of time & I always feel I end up undoing all my work when I put things away. It also impresses upon me my absolute inability to throw things out when I get them, or even properly file them. Take that w/ my extraordinarily low self-esteem of late and you have a cranky Peter cursing himself for keeping any of this shit. The state of my mind is likely not helped by the lack of sleep I got this weekend.
Photo-0013.jpg

xoder: (Default)
Name a particularly graceless animal.
xoder: (Aluminum)
I've been reading an AskMetaFilter post about life-changing events, and I've decided to try and catalogue some of my own:
  • On Religion: Many of the comments in that thread talk to a single moment where a person realized that there was no God. I never had such a revelation because I never believed in one. I intensely realize, however, the moment I became a Discordian (albeit a non-theistic one): I was reading the Illuminatus! Trilogy and I realized that, despite my interest in order which drove me to engineering, science, etc., chaos was equally valuable, and should be respected. Of course, that doesn't mean that everything must be chaos (those who follow the purely Eristic path worry me), however, but instead that chaos has its place, and that creation/destruction is the sides of the Sacred Chao I'd rather worry about. Around this time I met [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet and shortly after I met [livejournal.com profile] malaul. Taking into these two important people, along with the "Enlightened Nihilism" I picked up from [livejournal.com profile] faboo, helped form much of my personal philosophy, such as it is. The fact that there is nothing that I have to do, except die, is something that I needed to learn during the more stressful portions of college, and I still need to remind myself of it often (c.f. my time troubles in an earlier post).
  • On Adults Being Wrong: Although often being told to take bullying by not responding and failing, I never considered this bad advice from my parents. The worst was when I was in first grade and I got a math problem wrong. I started crying (I cried a lot in elementary school, now I nearly never do) because my Dad had checked the work, and he should have caught any mistakes. I remember once being upset and loud about it when my mom screamed, "What do you want, my blood?" That shut me up quick and I felt how badly I was hurting her over nothing, simply by complaining. There's one more, and it involves riding back from Rochester with my dad, and talking with him about it a few weeks later that I'm not going to go into here, but a lot of you know this story, and if you're curious, drop me an email or a text.
  • On Mental Health: I was sent to a child psychologist twice when I was a kid. I never understood why, until my mom told me as an adult that it was because I was asking about suicide. The question I was asking was about English, actually. It was "What's the penalty for committing suicide?" See, that word, commit I'd only ever heard on TV law shows, committing purjury, committing murder, committing a felony, &c. She said that it was its own punishment, so I asked why anyone would do it then. See, committing murder makes sense, because you get some gain out of it (revenge, or sating a compulsion or something), same thing with stealing, or lying. To be fair, however, I was/am depressed a lot, and I was bullied a lot until about HS.
  • On Failure: In college I had a lot of angst about my first withdrawn class. Did this mean I shouldn't go into EE? Was there anything I was good at? I talked with my advisor about how it would look on my transcript, and he said, rightly, that one or two W's is not a bad thing—it shows that you know when to cut and run, and when to ask for help. Making a habit of it, however, is another thing. I never made a habit of it, and here I am.
  • On Success: When I earned my First Degree Black Belt back in 2000, I felt an intense sensation of having everywhere to go. I felt that I had so much to learn and now I was able of at least beginning along those paths. It was euphoric. Trivia bit: at every black belt test, your teacher comes up and says a few words about you, and at every one of mine, Howard has used the phrase "gentle giant."
  • On Speed: One time I was rushing off the train while I was still working in Chelsea, and the door hit my ankle as it was closing. I can still remember time slowing down and I thought: "I could do this to avoid falling, but if I screw it up, then I'll hurt worse and have more broken electronics on me than if I fall flat correctly." I fell flat, and I'm sure it looked very undignified, but I landed right and had no major injuries. Bonus story: While rollerblading at RIT, I took a turn a little too wide and had to hold my outside skate over the mud to avoid falling. I did OK for a good five feet, but when my wheels sunk in and got stuck in the mud (I had detachable wheels at the time) I did a roll, shoulder to hip, and came out unscathed.
  • On girls: This may not be accurate, but I feel I lost a girlfriend (back in college, not anyone I'm currently dating) due to a lack of libido on her part triggered by hormonal birth control. Since then I've been a little quick to assume drugs' influence on others' lives. This pisses off Erin when I jump to such conclusions about her.

OK, that's enough ridiculous introspection for one shirking from work day.

Big question: What would you say was your "life-changing" event? Or perhaps events?
xoder: (Sex for Bandwidth)
This post has been bouncing around in my head a lot, so instead of grabbing a book to read on the train yesterday, I grabbed a notebook and a pencil and went to town on it. See, I often think of good LJ posts when I'm on the train, but I cannot post from there. Well, not beyond a certain character limit. Anyways, on with the show.

I've noticed how easy it is to be pigeon-holed. The first time I remember this being shown to me was during my First Year at RIT. I was visiting BxSci just before Thanksgiving, and I found that despite my (mostly) successful efforts to combat it up at my new school, I was still "Peter, horny Peter"1 to them. The most interesting facet of that to me was that I began to act in accordance with this perception.2

I still notice this kind of feature occurring in newer social connections than my HS friends. For instance, when it becomes known that I'm somewhat smitten over a lady in a group, it is assumed that I cannot behave rationally or non-romantically around this person — even if they've consistently expressed a lack of interest and I've thus given up any designs on them. This is especially a problem because I have many friends that I'm attracted to in one degree or another, and just about all of them have shot me down. Which is fine, and expected: the chance of two people with mutual interest in each other is rather small in my experience. After all, not everybody's going to be attracted to me — most people are not and that's OK. In fact, it's probably for the best as I have some time-management issues sometimes.3

In fact, if one of these friends were to, out of the blue, suggest something, there's a good chance I'd say "no". Perhaps because after being just friends for so long, I've gotten used to the status quo. Or perhaps I've learned enough about this person that I realized it simply wouldn't work out as either a relationship, a one-off sort of thing, or even a friends-with-benefits situation. Please note, this does not change the fact that I find them attractive, and unfortunately, it does not much change my behaviors around them. I'm still the same overeager puppydog as always.4

Just to be clear, this post is not about any single situation, person, or thing, but rather about something that has been bothering me for a while. I hashed out a bunch of these ideas on the ride home from Arisia with [livejournal.com profile] glib_dichotmy, and really, this idea, half-baked as it clearly is, has been bouncing around in my skull since at least that experience at Thanksiving all those years ago at BxSci. Of course, I am sure I am just as guilty at pigeon-holing others as I accuse others of doing to me. Categorizing is something people do, and we do it well. I recently re-read Illuminatus! which throws this concept of categorization, and especially the concept of dichotomy, directly into the trash.

Now looking back at this entry I want to delete it all, because I'm afraid it'll be seen as passive-agressive bullshit. In addition, I don't feel I've actually accomplished anything by writing this out. I've posed no question, no solution, and only barely an observation.



1 Sung to the tune of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
2 And stil do to this day, despite my attempts at mindfulness.
3 You would too, if you had work six days a week, TKD six times a week over three days, and school two nights a week.
4 I've spoken with [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet about this, and while she says I have gotten better about this, I have not completely subdued such behaviors. I'm not entirely sure I want to.
xoder: (Burning Man)
Apparently it's dangerous to talk to me after:
  • coming home to an unmade bed
    • which I didn't make myself because I'm too lazy
  • having to be buzzed into my own apartment
    • which, just the night before cut the sole of my foot with its shitty unsealed grout
      • which didn't bother me too much until after practice tonight
        • after which point putting any weight on it bare is agony
  • with a MATLAB midterm due tomorrow that I've done precisely diddly and squat for
  • having to spend 2 minutes washing the cheese out of a single bowl so I could have cereal in the morning
as I am rather yelly right now and short with people for no good reason.

Goodnight
xoder: (Default)
I have another post I'm working on, but I wanted to say "FUCK" in a lovely bit of impotent anger.

I realize that it's stupid to be angry about this because I cannot fix it, and I didn't cause it, but it affects me.

I realize this is incoherent to most of you, and for that I apologize.

I'm simply furious—a word I don't use often—that I cannot provide a workable solution, and I'm just getting sick of it.

I need to stop being useless at work by obsessing over this and instead fix my own shit here.
xoder: (Tao Antialiased)
So I've not been posting very much lately. Mostly because my internal dialogue has been turned inward; I'm answering my own questions. I'm not happy with the answers, at least for the past two days or so, but they keep coming back the same. It may have something to do with the sleepiness. When I'm tired I get introspectively cranky. And self-reinforcingly so (shut up, I can make up words like anyone else).

I also fail at life: I fell getting off the subway this morning and skinned (but did not bloody, there's always a bright side) both of my elbows. (That's what I get for rushing out the train and getting at least one foot pinned by the door. Funny thing is while I was falling I realized what I had to do to prevent a fall but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that I was falling, and was just too tired/lazy to do anything about it.) I also forgot to shampoo this morning, but worry not, I went to the bathroom just now and used some soap so my hair will fail to become a greasy helmet of ick---as quickly.

The other reason that I've been slow to LJ is that I don't feel my complaining is worth posting. Yes, I'm poly. Yes I'm craving a new relationship on top of what I have with my most awsomest girlfriend. But it makes me feel a little guilty to complain about it. After all, there are so many people who have trouble finding *one* person to share their awesome with, what right do I have about wanting to find a second?

Also the complaining above the previous paragraph: absolutely worthless.

I need to get out of my head for a little while and bounce ideas off things that are not me, or I will get worse, I think. MichaelCrawford, Kuro5hin.org's favorite crazy writer dude says: "One way sane people stay sane is that others around us let us know when we are straying from the rational path." In other words, social interaction is useful for mental health because it can help you keep on an even keel, even unconsciously. The article hasn't posted yet, but if you have a K5 account, you can see it at: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/8/15/35149/9787

On a completely separate note, "Man of the Year" sounds like its going to be an awesome movie. Check IMDB or YouTube for more info.

Oh, and it always depresses me to learn exactly how little I've actually changed even though I keep thinking I've actually accomplished some positive personal growth/modification.
xoder: (PokeCon)
See, I just don't know where to go from here. All the speakers say "Follow your passion." I just don't know what I'm passionate about. I'll not be filling out this quiz myself, but I do want to see your inputs. These are the things on my list of possible options, and I'll be using some of my engineering knowledge (and practice from *gasp* Senior Design) to properly evaluate them later. In the meantime, I'd appreciate your input.

Any comments about the questions, please comment to the entry, don't use the "other" boxes.

[Poll #738829]
xoder: (Size Matters)
... and it bores me.
xoder: (E = mc^2 = hf)
I doubt you want to read this )
That said (or not, as the case may be), I hurt my back yesterday. Just by standing up. I bailed on pool with Charlene and Xi, and going home with Erin. Needless to say, not a boost.

Today I got my hair cut. My back still hurts. Did absolutely nothing.

I suck.

EDIT: So, I may not be completely useless. Waiting on further data.
xoder: (Default)
Stop it, you fucking ingrate. Of course you deserve the things you have! You deserve your job, your friends—you are NOT a piece of shit. Fuck you, stop beating yourself up; Mom says (rightly) that there are more than enough people in this world who are more than willing to do that for you. You are the only one responsible for building yourself up—no one else can do it for you if you don't do it.

You have so much going right for you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you've done nothing wrong and you certainly don't deserve it, regardless of what your stupid, fatalistic brain thinks. You are stopping yourself from feeling good, and one day it will kill you. Follow your own fucking advice, and just relax and believe in yourself.

Idiot.
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