xoder: (Default)
This morning I had two dreams. The first had me at Brooklyn Bridge park and someone was talking about how hard it is to start a fire. I took a cloth suitcase, filled it with accelerants and set the Manhattan bridge (and most of lower Manhattan) on fire. I distinctly recall the image of the flames flying up the buildings. Then I tossed the suitcase into the East River, where it exploded in a lovely fireball. After that I was in Battery Park meeting with Joe and Kit from Fordham TKD and I was debating telling them that I did it.
The next dream was simpler. I was at a friend's house (the same friend featured in this friends-locked entry). She said something like, "No sex, no. Not unless IP2 goes down." [I distinctly remember "IP2", which must be some corruption from dealing with "eth2" and such at work all the time.] I said that was easy to fix and took my computer and started to do things to her router while she watched. She neither stopped nor encouraged me.

I guess I was in a destructive mood?
xoder: (Aluminum)
I've been reading an AskMetaFilter post about life-changing events, and I've decided to try and catalogue some of my own:
  • On Religion: Many of the comments in that thread talk to a single moment where a person realized that there was no God. I never had such a revelation because I never believed in one. I intensely realize, however, the moment I became a Discordian (albeit a non-theistic one): I was reading the Illuminatus! Trilogy and I realized that, despite my interest in order which drove me to engineering, science, etc., chaos was equally valuable, and should be respected. Of course, that doesn't mean that everything must be chaos (those who follow the purely Eristic path worry me), however, but instead that chaos has its place, and that creation/destruction is the sides of the Sacred Chao I'd rather worry about. Around this time I met [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet and shortly after I met [livejournal.com profile] malaul. Taking into these two important people, along with the "Enlightened Nihilism" I picked up from [livejournal.com profile] faboo, helped form much of my personal philosophy, such as it is. The fact that there is nothing that I have to do, except die, is something that I needed to learn during the more stressful portions of college, and I still need to remind myself of it often (c.f. my time troubles in an earlier post).
  • On Adults Being Wrong: Although often being told to take bullying by not responding and failing, I never considered this bad advice from my parents. The worst was when I was in first grade and I got a math problem wrong. I started crying (I cried a lot in elementary school, now I nearly never do) because my Dad had checked the work, and he should have caught any mistakes. I remember once being upset and loud about it when my mom screamed, "What do you want, my blood?" That shut me up quick and I felt how badly I was hurting her over nothing, simply by complaining. There's one more, and it involves riding back from Rochester with my dad, and talking with him about it a few weeks later that I'm not going to go into here, but a lot of you know this story, and if you're curious, drop me an email or a text.
  • On Mental Health: I was sent to a child psychologist twice when I was a kid. I never understood why, until my mom told me as an adult that it was because I was asking about suicide. The question I was asking was about English, actually. It was "What's the penalty for committing suicide?" See, that word, commit I'd only ever heard on TV law shows, committing purjury, committing murder, committing a felony, &c. She said that it was its own punishment, so I asked why anyone would do it then. See, committing murder makes sense, because you get some gain out of it (revenge, or sating a compulsion or something), same thing with stealing, or lying. To be fair, however, I was/am depressed a lot, and I was bullied a lot until about HS.
  • On Failure: In college I had a lot of angst about my first withdrawn class. Did this mean I shouldn't go into EE? Was there anything I was good at? I talked with my advisor about how it would look on my transcript, and he said, rightly, that one or two W's is not a bad thing—it shows that you know when to cut and run, and when to ask for help. Making a habit of it, however, is another thing. I never made a habit of it, and here I am.
  • On Success: When I earned my First Degree Black Belt back in 2000, I felt an intense sensation of having everywhere to go. I felt that I had so much to learn and now I was able of at least beginning along those paths. It was euphoric. Trivia bit: at every black belt test, your teacher comes up and says a few words about you, and at every one of mine, Howard has used the phrase "gentle giant."
  • On Speed: One time I was rushing off the train while I was still working in Chelsea, and the door hit my ankle as it was closing. I can still remember time slowing down and I thought: "I could do this to avoid falling, but if I screw it up, then I'll hurt worse and have more broken electronics on me than if I fall flat correctly." I fell flat, and I'm sure it looked very undignified, but I landed right and had no major injuries. Bonus story: While rollerblading at RIT, I took a turn a little too wide and had to hold my outside skate over the mud to avoid falling. I did OK for a good five feet, but when my wheels sunk in and got stuck in the mud (I had detachable wheels at the time) I did a roll, shoulder to hip, and came out unscathed.
  • On girls: This may not be accurate, but I feel I lost a girlfriend (back in college, not anyone I'm currently dating) due to a lack of libido on her part triggered by hormonal birth control. Since then I've been a little quick to assume drugs' influence on others' lives. This pisses off Erin when I jump to such conclusions about her.

OK, that's enough ridiculous introspection for one shirking from work day.

Big question: What would you say was your "life-changing" event? Or perhaps events?
xoder: (Sex for Bandwidth)
This post has been bouncing around in my head a lot, so instead of grabbing a book to read on the train yesterday, I grabbed a notebook and a pencil and went to town on it. See, I often think of good LJ posts when I'm on the train, but I cannot post from there. Well, not beyond a certain character limit. Anyways, on with the show.

I've noticed how easy it is to be pigeon-holed. The first time I remember this being shown to me was during my First Year at RIT. I was visiting BxSci just before Thanksgiving, and I found that despite my (mostly) successful efforts to combat it up at my new school, I was still "Peter, horny Peter"1 to them. The most interesting facet of that to me was that I began to act in accordance with this perception.2

I still notice this kind of feature occurring in newer social connections than my HS friends. For instance, when it becomes known that I'm somewhat smitten over a lady in a group, it is assumed that I cannot behave rationally or non-romantically around this person — even if they've consistently expressed a lack of interest and I've thus given up any designs on them. This is especially a problem because I have many friends that I'm attracted to in one degree or another, and just about all of them have shot me down. Which is fine, and expected: the chance of two people with mutual interest in each other is rather small in my experience. After all, not everybody's going to be attracted to me — most people are not and that's OK. In fact, it's probably for the best as I have some time-management issues sometimes.3

In fact, if one of these friends were to, out of the blue, suggest something, there's a good chance I'd say "no". Perhaps because after being just friends for so long, I've gotten used to the status quo. Or perhaps I've learned enough about this person that I realized it simply wouldn't work out as either a relationship, a one-off sort of thing, or even a friends-with-benefits situation. Please note, this does not change the fact that I find them attractive, and unfortunately, it does not much change my behaviors around them. I'm still the same overeager puppydog as always.4

Just to be clear, this post is not about any single situation, person, or thing, but rather about something that has been bothering me for a while. I hashed out a bunch of these ideas on the ride home from Arisia with [livejournal.com profile] glib_dichotmy, and really, this idea, half-baked as it clearly is, has been bouncing around in my skull since at least that experience at Thanksiving all those years ago at BxSci. Of course, I am sure I am just as guilty at pigeon-holing others as I accuse others of doing to me. Categorizing is something people do, and we do it well. I recently re-read Illuminatus! which throws this concept of categorization, and especially the concept of dichotomy, directly into the trash.

Now looking back at this entry I want to delete it all, because I'm afraid it'll be seen as passive-agressive bullshit. In addition, I don't feel I've actually accomplished anything by writing this out. I've posed no question, no solution, and only barely an observation.



1 Sung to the tune of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
2 And stil do to this day, despite my attempts at mindfulness.
3 You would too, if you had work six days a week, TKD six times a week over three days, and school two nights a week.
4 I've spoken with [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet about this, and while she says I have gotten better about this, I have not completely subdued such behaviors. I'm not entirely sure I want to.

[livejournal.com profile] s00j music

Nov. 7th, 2007 09:30 am
xoder: (Pope card)
I'm going to Williamsburg tonight to see the SJ Tucker play. The location & time is:
Wednesday November 07, 2007 — 8 or 8:30pm
SJ performs with Incus
Galapagos Art Space Front Room
70 N 6th St, Williamsburg
Brooklyn, NY
718 782 5188
with headliners Raquy and the Cavemen and The Messengers

Raquy is apparently "Booty-shaking world music", but as I'm not much into booty shaking, and I have werk tomorrow, I'll likely leave right after her show. You, however, have every option to stay.

Anyone wanna come?

I'll be in the Penn Station area ca. 6p looking for Dinner &c. before the show.
xoder: (PCG Barcode)
A post by [livejournal.com profile] benjasattva and subsequent conversations with Erin about its subject matter. Sorry, his post is friends-locked, so I cannot link you over.

It appears to me that there are people who can detach themselves from their social interactions and gauge how things are going and what they could do to affect it in a reasonably objective manner. That is, they seem to have a meter on the inside of their head that tells them whether they're making any forward progress (in romantic or platonic directions), and what a good course of conversation/reaction/&c. would be.

I am not one of those people. Generally all my planning ends once I actually start talking with a person, and even then, it's minimal: "What would be the least annoying/disquieting way to get this person's attention?" "Are they likely to be in their current conversation for too much longer?" "Are they single and/or attracted to my gender [if they are female and I'm interested, of course]?"
Once in the conversation, I run entirely on autopilot. Whether I bring things up is based solely on their relevance to the topic at hand and whether there's a "slot" available for me (Oh goodness, I just used TDMA terminology...). While I have a rough idea of when I'm making someone uncomfortable, I can't really assess my current status in their worldview until long after the conversation is over and I've had the ability to observe their reactions to me and compare them to their reactions to others, and where I judge them in that person's hierarchy.

This, of course, does not hold via IM (but can during email).

Which side of this social divide do you sit? Is it possible to jump to the aware side without losing the apparent spontaneous character? Am I the only one like this? (Of course not!)

Ocho

Mar. 20th, 2007 11:14 pm
xoder: (Polymath)
I'm at work, slowly working. Fun is happening a lot lately: new friends, exhibition/promotion test today, sleep dep silliness and
other goodness.
xoder: (iKatamari)
So I was reading an Ask Metafilter question about being asked to smile. The thread is interesting but devolves into a giant "Men Are Pigs" fest. The operative theory being that men think women should be pretty no matter what, therefore they should smile all the time. In addition, the smiling somehow reinforces their submission to the males. Personally, I don't think I've ever asked anyone to smile, of either gender, but I often try to cheer people up through silliness and absurdity—occasionally to bad result. Given the initial question at AskMeFi, however, how does the answering public become so certain that the poster is female and is being told by males to smile? (Ignore, for the moment, that the poster marked a response as "Best Answer" pretty much declaring what the previous posters suspected.)

On a slightly related note: (most, if not all of) you know that I'm a tall, white male. That said, I feel very vulnerable telling women I find them attractive, as the song notes suggest I do. Perhaps its from the culture at RIT, where women could bring men up on "looking" charges and then those men could get expelled (although extremely unlikely—forced letters of apology and probation were much more common). Perhaps it's just plain old fear of rejection. Who knows. But I ask you, my reading public (which has many women in it), how do I avoid the first kind of repercussions (the latter, I have only myself to blame, I know)?

And on a related note to that last related note: most of the shame I feel from my eyes catching on attractive women for as long as is "safe" is mostly due to the fact that I feel I am consuming a resource (looking at an attractive person) and not contributing resources back to the "ogling pool", if one exists.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] s00j's K for giving me that second idea to think upon and ruminiate on since Lunacon '06. And thaanks to Sooj herself for the song which gave me the impetus to actually write out the thoughts I was having.
xoder: (Aluminum)
So I've been feeling that I come up with really bad date ideas (At least in terms of dates I've come up with that I've gone on with [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet. You others I've come up with date ideas for, do you have any opinions? [Have I, in fact, even ever come up with any?]). I know [livejournal.com profile] xkcd had a big ol' list of them. It makes me wonder if I really know anything at all about her.

[This post inspired by Erin's severe boredom during the Barenaked Ladies show tonight. I enjoyed it, though.]
xoder: (Katamari)
I dreamed that a friend of mine who I've been seeing a lot more of recently came on to me while we were at some place that was a weird combination of Amagansett and Chelsea. We had some nice hot makeouts and were going to have sex but I woke up.



The question is, do I tell her? If so, how so? I've thought her attractive for a while now, but she's involved, and there are other complicating factors that tell me I should just let it pass for a decade or two when we can all laugh at it. And I'm really tempted to put a note in here saying who it is so I can look back to it, but I think it'll just be easier to make a private post link back to here instead.
xoder: (Default)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Body_painting.JPG (only NSFW if your boss really looks at it...)
Ladies Love Cool Linux!
xoder: (Default)
Saw King Lear last night with [livejournal.com profile] rosefox, [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet, [livejournal.com profile] sinboy, and one other whose LJ name escapes me. Marvelous production.

This morning I ran the usual run in 18 minutes.

Erin came over last night. We slept. It was very nice to sleep.

Taking the late shift today for the purposes of meeting up with a troublesome customer and his phone.

And tonight I'll be going to TKD with Pat at Fordham University (Lincoln Center) rather than Howard because of the lateness of the shift.

That's all she wrote.
xoder: (Default)
First HPV vaccine approved:
Take that you fucking theocrats!

Checklist

Mar. 27th, 2006 10:56 pm
xoder: (Embrace the Penguin!)
  • Fail to make a complete fool of yourself—check
  • Have a good time—check
  • Hug—check
  • Have chocolate—check
  • Make noises about wanting to do such again—check
    • actually make plans—uncheck :-(
  • Snuggle—uncheck
All in all, rather successful, I believe. I also believe that it may have been wiser to come up with this checklist before the actual event.

Ah well.
xoder: (Crying Penguin)
I would like to apologize in advance. Dear future bride, I will never be this leet. Sorry.
xoder: (PokeCon)
(23:09:06) [Name removed because I'm too lazy to ask her permission]: though my hair is still way too short to do much with
(23:10:47) [Name removed because I'm too lazy to ask her permission]: but with a teasing comb and enough hairspray, i think i could take over the world
(23:12:09) Me: couldn't we all. Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever and a place to stand and I can move the world." He was right, of course, which is why he died of exposure to hard vacuum
xoder: (Default)
Nick has just started assisting Howard with two of his classes at afterschool programs around the city. This is good for him, both as a black belt, and financially.

My reptillian brain is largely the reason I'm going to be a little late to work this morning. No, not that, just that I've been missing Erin, which, academically, I realize is a little silly as we saw each other a ton on Monday.

I have to house-sit at my parents' house this weekend, so no going out for me. Nick can go out, however, but he needs to be home by 10.

This past weekend I went up to Gilboa for the Black Belt Summer Trip. It was nice to be back in the mountains again. And we went up to the Headmaster's new land in the Adirondacks(sp?). It's got a lake, so naturally I went swimming. Nick and I piloted a kyack, which is always fun.

I'm on the train right now, and I no longer blame my reptillian brain for my lateness, but rather the MTA. Ah well, shit happens. But the PDA work phone is keeping me company, allowing me to write this lovely little entry, which is probably the longest I've written in months (not counting memes). Hell, it's probably the first non-meme entry I've written in months.

Question Of The Day: Why are girls and women so damn pretty? I've noticed that NYC is full of beautiful women
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