xoder: (Default)
I need to sleep more and more often. Not getting enough messes up my self-image to an extreme degree. If you've ever seen me inconsolable with negativity, you've likely seen me sleep-deprived. And yet I'm going to Lunacon this weekend. No one ever went broke betting against the wisdom of my decisions.
xoder: (Tao Antialiased)
So I've not been posting very much lately. Mostly because my internal dialogue has been turned inward; I'm answering my own questions. I'm not happy with the answers, at least for the past two days or so, but they keep coming back the same. It may have something to do with the sleepiness. When I'm tired I get introspectively cranky. And self-reinforcingly so (shut up, I can make up words like anyone else).

I also fail at life: I fell getting off the subway this morning and skinned (but did not bloody, there's always a bright side) both of my elbows. (That's what I get for rushing out the train and getting at least one foot pinned by the door. Funny thing is while I was falling I realized what I had to do to prevent a fall but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that I was falling, and was just too tired/lazy to do anything about it.) I also forgot to shampoo this morning, but worry not, I went to the bathroom just now and used some soap so my hair will fail to become a greasy helmet of ick---as quickly.

The other reason that I've been slow to LJ is that I don't feel my complaining is worth posting. Yes, I'm poly. Yes I'm craving a new relationship on top of what I have with my most awsomest girlfriend. But it makes me feel a little guilty to complain about it. After all, there are so many people who have trouble finding *one* person to share their awesome with, what right do I have about wanting to find a second?

Also the complaining above the previous paragraph: absolutely worthless.

I need to get out of my head for a little while and bounce ideas off things that are not me, or I will get worse, I think. MichaelCrawford, Kuro5hin.org's favorite crazy writer dude says: "One way sane people stay sane is that others around us let us know when we are straying from the rational path." In other words, social interaction is useful for mental health because it can help you keep on an even keel, even unconsciously. The article hasn't posted yet, but if you have a K5 account, you can see it at: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/8/15/35149/9787

On a completely separate note, "Man of the Year" sounds like its going to be an awesome movie. Check IMDB or YouTube for more info.

Oh, and it always depresses me to learn exactly how little I've actually changed even though I keep thinking I've actually accomplished some positive personal growth/modification.
xoder: (Default)
Stop it, you fucking ingrate. Of course you deserve the things you have! You deserve your job, your friends—you are NOT a piece of shit. Fuck you, stop beating yourself up; Mom says (rightly) that there are more than enough people in this world who are more than willing to do that for you. You are the only one responsible for building yourself up—no one else can do it for you if you don't do it.

You have so much going right for you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you've done nothing wrong and you certainly don't deserve it, regardless of what your stupid, fatalistic brain thinks. You are stopping yourself from feeling good, and one day it will kill you. Follow your own fucking advice, and just relax and believe in yourself.

Idiot.
xoder: (Default)
The difficulty with this is that I don't really believe it all that well. And that I have a remarkable knack for making mistakes.
xoder: (Default)
Now I just managed to miss my train stop and am now walking south to correct my error. Such a good omen, no?
xoder: (Default)
This is what happens wheb you are a silly sleeping bufoon when you ought to be a silly traveling bufoon. But it was a very lovely evening, I just dread the sleepiness tomorrow.

Oh, I busted my phone today, so please be patient as I leave it off tomorrow, but it should be back on Thursday. Hopefully. I won't need to use my upgrade to get a new one, but I have it if I do.

Goodnight!
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