xoder: (Aluminum)
I've been reading an AskMetaFilter post about life-changing events, and I've decided to try and catalogue some of my own:
  • On Religion: Many of the comments in that thread talk to a single moment where a person realized that there was no God. I never had such a revelation because I never believed in one. I intensely realize, however, the moment I became a Discordian (albeit a non-theistic one): I was reading the Illuminatus! Trilogy and I realized that, despite my interest in order which drove me to engineering, science, etc., chaos was equally valuable, and should be respected. Of course, that doesn't mean that everything must be chaos (those who follow the purely Eristic path worry me), however, but instead that chaos has its place, and that creation/destruction is the sides of the Sacred Chao I'd rather worry about. Around this time I met [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet and shortly after I met [livejournal.com profile] malaul. Taking into these two important people, along with the "Enlightened Nihilism" I picked up from [livejournal.com profile] faboo, helped form much of my personal philosophy, such as it is. The fact that there is nothing that I have to do, except die, is something that I needed to learn during the more stressful portions of college, and I still need to remind myself of it often (c.f. my time troubles in an earlier post).
  • On Adults Being Wrong: Although often being told to take bullying by not responding and failing, I never considered this bad advice from my parents. The worst was when I was in first grade and I got a math problem wrong. I started crying (I cried a lot in elementary school, now I nearly never do) because my Dad had checked the work, and he should have caught any mistakes. I remember once being upset and loud about it when my mom screamed, "What do you want, my blood?" That shut me up quick and I felt how badly I was hurting her over nothing, simply by complaining. There's one more, and it involves riding back from Rochester with my dad, and talking with him about it a few weeks later that I'm not going to go into here, but a lot of you know this story, and if you're curious, drop me an email or a text.
  • On Mental Health: I was sent to a child psychologist twice when I was a kid. I never understood why, until my mom told me as an adult that it was because I was asking about suicide. The question I was asking was about English, actually. It was "What's the penalty for committing suicide?" See, that word, commit I'd only ever heard on TV law shows, committing purjury, committing murder, committing a felony, &c. She said that it was its own punishment, so I asked why anyone would do it then. See, committing murder makes sense, because you get some gain out of it (revenge, or sating a compulsion or something), same thing with stealing, or lying. To be fair, however, I was/am depressed a lot, and I was bullied a lot until about HS.
  • On Failure: In college I had a lot of angst about my first withdrawn class. Did this mean I shouldn't go into EE? Was there anything I was good at? I talked with my advisor about how it would look on my transcript, and he said, rightly, that one or two W's is not a bad thing—it shows that you know when to cut and run, and when to ask for help. Making a habit of it, however, is another thing. I never made a habit of it, and here I am.
  • On Success: When I earned my First Degree Black Belt back in 2000, I felt an intense sensation of having everywhere to go. I felt that I had so much to learn and now I was able of at least beginning along those paths. It was euphoric. Trivia bit: at every black belt test, your teacher comes up and says a few words about you, and at every one of mine, Howard has used the phrase "gentle giant."
  • On Speed: One time I was rushing off the train while I was still working in Chelsea, and the door hit my ankle as it was closing. I can still remember time slowing down and I thought: "I could do this to avoid falling, but if I screw it up, then I'll hurt worse and have more broken electronics on me than if I fall flat correctly." I fell flat, and I'm sure it looked very undignified, but I landed right and had no major injuries. Bonus story: While rollerblading at RIT, I took a turn a little too wide and had to hold my outside skate over the mud to avoid falling. I did OK for a good five feet, but when my wheels sunk in and got stuck in the mud (I had detachable wheels at the time) I did a roll, shoulder to hip, and came out unscathed.
  • On girls: This may not be accurate, but I feel I lost a girlfriend (back in college, not anyone I'm currently dating) due to a lack of libido on her part triggered by hormonal birth control. Since then I've been a little quick to assume drugs' influence on others' lives. This pisses off Erin when I jump to such conclusions about her.

OK, that's enough ridiculous introspection for one shirking from work day.

Big question: What would you say was your "life-changing" event? Or perhaps events?
xoder: (Embrace the Penguin!)
So I was reading this Digg post about Ahmadinejad saying that there are no homosexuals in Iran. There was the predictable "Check the closets" line, and some rumblings about Tom Cruise and mass murder. Of note, however, was the following exchange*:
In America - we just ignore their rights
Jesus, you're dense. America ignores gay rights? We have hate crime laws that apply to gay people. We have a huge gay population which vehemently lobbies and pushes for gay rights. We have gay people on tv, in the movies, everywhere and they aren't being oppressed. Just because they can't "legally" be married doesn't mean their rights are ignored. I'd be willing to be that any gay person in Iran would happily trade places, with any gay American. If you really think it's bad here, go to Iran and see what it's like to have no rights based on sexual preference.

You people will say/state anything that takes a jab at America yet we have it so good, regardless of what you think. If you think I'm wrong then why does everyone want to come here? As cliche as it sounds this is the land of freedom, in all forms, and also the land of opportunity. Go open a gay support group (non-profit) in Iran and tell me what happens. They'll probably just kill you, but at least you'd be free of American oppression....your comment and those who digg you up is proof that most Americans have no appreciation or idea on how good they have it. Well, some of us do and we don't take it for granted.
YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT.

I work in a corporation. I am white, hetero, and single. I have no special interest group that gives a shit about me. There's a gay/lesbian group, african american group, latino, etc.

Along with the aforementioned hate crime legislature, it seems minorities, including gays, have grabbed special rights, not equal rights. Granted I am not as likely to be effed-in-the-a by a cop, I am more likely to be should I end up in court.

THANK YOU, POLITICALLY CORRECT AMERICA!
Oh yeah, you poor dear. My heart bleeds for the rich white men; there is no justice for them. Why don't you go arrange a straight white man pride parade? Oh yeah- you don't have to because you have everything already.



I think the last poster in the thread misses the penultimate poster's complaint entirely. He says "I have no special interest group that gives a shit about me." The reply is "you have everything" so why should you? The key difference here is the penultimate poster wanted a group, while the last poster wants things/rights/justice. Maybe I'm completely off-base here, but I often envy my GBLT friends for their ability to draw a community out of [what appears to me to be] thin air [but is likely out of shared repression &c.].

The penultimate poster also mentions all of this second to "I work in a corporation." The irony there is, he does have a group of people like him working toward a common goal, but this goal is not community, not rights, not justice, but money—which our dear poster will never see his proportional share of. If he works extra hard he might get a promotion, but he'll more likely just get his slightly-lower-than inflation "merit" raise. If he even has a track for promotion, his most likely community, his co-workers, are in direct competition with him for those precious few seats at the top, and will not be there for him as a community.

Perhaps I am very much the poor little rich boy that the last poster mocks, but I can understand the penultimate poster's issue, and I'm afraid I don't have much of a solution out of it. Personally, I ape at the Queer community through my Bi girlfriend and Poly lifestyle, and while I enjoy friends through Tae Kwon Do, often I feel a certain disconnect from them. Often the only thing I have in common with them is the Art, which is fine and all, but I like a certain level of social discourse and connection.

Of course, in the end, we are all alone in our trip through life, and perhaps all this striving towards community is false and silly and temporary. But if it has to be false and silly and temporary, I at least want to get some good hugs out of it.


* I nested two comments where I believed they went as I believe they were unintentionally posted unnested thanks to what many Diggers complain of as "The New Comment System". Also, I'm lazy and deleted their usernames.
xoder: (Pope card)
I emailed in sick today. Filled out my timecard and everything. Exciting, I know. The Blogartubes makes it easy.

I'm debating whether or not to go to Tae Kwon Do, but it very much depends on how I'm feeling in a few hours. Right now? I wouldn't want to scream, but maybe could.

Just had breakfast and I feel a little better. I do believe I'll be going with Erin to Ikea, and possibly TKD. Yeah, I feel a little guilty about going out and doing things even though I felt too sick to go to work today.

At 4am I woke up with a horrendous cough and tried to get down some water and all that came up was phlegm. Delightful. I'll try to remain hydrated and horking for the rest of the day as well.

Apparently at 2am Erin tried to do somethings to me and I told her to stop and that it wasn't her fault I was broken, but I remember none of this.

Therefore a question: What have you done to me that I didn't remember? And a corollary: has anything like the above happened to you as well? What was it?
xoder: (Katamari)
I dreamed that a friend of mine who I've been seeing a lot more of recently came on to me while we were at some place that was a weird combination of Amagansett and Chelsea. We had some nice hot makeouts and were going to have sex but I woke up.



The question is, do I tell her? If so, how so? I've thought her attractive for a while now, but she's involved, and there are other complicating factors that tell me I should just let it pass for a decade or two when we can all laugh at it. And I'm really tempted to put a note in here saying who it is so I can look back to it, but I think it'll just be easier to make a private post link back to here instead.
xoder: (Baby Resperator)
I can tell the day is off when I get to work and realize I forgot to shampoo -- yet *again*
xoder: (Tao Antialiased)
So I've not been posting very much lately. Mostly because my internal dialogue has been turned inward; I'm answering my own questions. I'm not happy with the answers, at least for the past two days or so, but they keep coming back the same. It may have something to do with the sleepiness. When I'm tired I get introspectively cranky. And self-reinforcingly so (shut up, I can make up words like anyone else).

I also fail at life: I fell getting off the subway this morning and skinned (but did not bloody, there's always a bright side) both of my elbows. (That's what I get for rushing out the train and getting at least one foot pinned by the door. Funny thing is while I was falling I realized what I had to do to prevent a fall but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that I was falling, and was just too tired/lazy to do anything about it.) I also forgot to shampoo this morning, but worry not, I went to the bathroom just now and used some soap so my hair will fail to become a greasy helmet of ick---as quickly.

The other reason that I've been slow to LJ is that I don't feel my complaining is worth posting. Yes, I'm poly. Yes I'm craving a new relationship on top of what I have with my most awsomest girlfriend. But it makes me feel a little guilty to complain about it. After all, there are so many people who have trouble finding *one* person to share their awesome with, what right do I have about wanting to find a second?

Also the complaining above the previous paragraph: absolutely worthless.

I need to get out of my head for a little while and bounce ideas off things that are not me, or I will get worse, I think. MichaelCrawford, Kuro5hin.org's favorite crazy writer dude says: "One way sane people stay sane is that others around us let us know when we are straying from the rational path." In other words, social interaction is useful for mental health because it can help you keep on an even keel, even unconsciously. The article hasn't posted yet, but if you have a K5 account, you can see it at: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/8/15/35149/9787

On a completely separate note, "Man of the Year" sounds like its going to be an awesome movie. Check IMDB or YouTube for more info.

Oh, and it always depresses me to learn exactly how little I've actually changed even though I keep thinking I've actually accomplished some positive personal growth/modification.

Jogjogjog

Jun. 26th, 2006 11:21 am
xoder: (Full Metal Katamari)
Did the usual 1.5 mi. jog in about 18 mins. Not bad for going to bed at 2:15a and getting up at 6:30a.

The Pride parade was a lot of fun. Ended up marching with [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet
and her lady friend Nina and the latter's ex, whose name currently escapes me. We marched with Poly-NYC, which was cool. I only marched from 47th to 14th, at which point I got off the route to have linner with [livejournal.com profile] cyruska and [livejournal.com profile] kitty_trie. Always a good time.

In addition, all this heat, humidity, and walking has been doing a number on certain portions of my skin. BUT NOW I HAVE BABY POWDER, so there!
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