White male seeking understanding

[xoder]

So I was reading an Ask Metafilter question about being asked to smile. The thread is interesting but devolves into a giant "Men Are Pigs" fest. The operative theory being that men think women should be pretty no matter what, therefore they should smile all the time. In addition, the smiling somehow reinforces their submission to the males. Personally, I don't think I've ever asked anyone to smile, of either gender, but I often try to cheer people up through silliness and absurdity—occasionally to bad result. Given the initial question at AskMeFi, however, how does the answering public become so certain that the poster is female and is being told by males to smile? (Ignore, for the moment, that the poster marked a response as "Best Answer" pretty much declaring what the previous posters suspected.)

On a slightly related note: (most, if not all of) you know that I'm a tall, white male. That said, I feel very vulnerable telling women I find them attractive, as the song notes suggest I do. Perhaps its from the culture at RIT, where women could bring men up on "looking" charges and then those men could get expelled (although extremely unlikely—forced letters of apology and probation were much more common). Perhaps it's just plain old fear of rejection. Who knows. But I ask you, my reading public (which has many women in it), how do I avoid the first kind of repercussions (the latter, I have only myself to blame, I know)?

And on a related note to that last related note: most of the shame I feel from my eyes catching on attractive women for as long as is "safe" is mostly due to the fact that I feel I am consuming a resource (looking at an attractive person) and not contributing resources back to the "ogling pool", if one exists.

Thanks to s00j's K for giving me that second idea to think upon and ruminiate on since Lunacon '06. And thaanks to Sooj herself for the song which gave me the impetus to actually write out the thoughts I was having.

Comments

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Given the initial question at AskMeFi, however, how does the answering public become so certain that the poster is female and is being told by males to smile?

To reverse the question briefly, under what circumstances would Joe Average, common man walkin' down the street, be told to smile, why such a frown, c'mon cheer up?  From what I've seen, heard, and read, there is the slightest possible chance in hell that a male would receive that sort of question, and I only indicate there's any chance at all because I can't be 100% certain it's never happened.

In sharp contrast, I receive that question about... one in five, one in ten times I'm walking down the street, controlling for duration (at least 3 minutes) and time of day (midday, which ensures an average street-enpeopledness).  And it pisses me the fuck off, because if it was just a "Come, let us brighten the overall human tapestry!" thing, why don't men get the question as much fucking ever*?  Why do women get told to smile, as though it's not permitted for us to not want to smile?

I've asked "Why?" sometimes, and the usual answers involve "You probably have a pretty smile" or "You should be smiling!  It's a lovely day!" or whateverthefuck.  Tell the businessman behind me the same thing, and I'll be slightly more inclined to listen, damn you.

I wish my pissed-offedness were due to me being more feministy as time goes by, but no, this has always pissed me off.  Grr.  (And to clarify, my pissed-off is in general, and not you-directed.)

(* My desire to not be extremist drops alarmingly when I'm pissed.)

[indicating attractiveness without being creepy]

The "looking" charges strikes me as a trifle excessive.  Well-written stalking laws would suffice, but I don't know the situation well enough.

Wrt the diff between creepy and not, it's hard to explain in text, since a lot of it is body language.  I'm comfortable when the compliment-payer (a) pays attention to my body language (if I'm giving off signals of "Thanks, end message", then take a damn hint, frex) and (b) doesn't carry the weird-ass assumption that by paying me a compliment, we've created A Bond.

It's also very helpful if the compliment is in some sort of context.  It's not necessary - I've been randomly told that I'm pretty, and it's been fine - but it's helpful.

[ellf.livejournal.com]

Free speech. It's the hallmark of a free society, and it includes the right to flip someone off if you feel that they deserve it.

That said, this situation that is causing everyone to become so pissed starts with someone (A) being relatively polite, (B) showing interest in another person's happiness.

But you know - it's men. There really should be a "men cannot talk to, look at, smile at, or exist near women, lest they be OMGOPPRESSED.

Sigh.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

What was your intent behind this comment?