xoder: (Default)
I said something unusual today in TKD class. I said that I love freestyle. Freestyle sparring is high-speed and unscripted, and generally those things are ones I would normally have trouble with and get easily frustrated. Previously I loved the art, and now I love its pieces. I used to, not quite see it as a thing to tolerate, but close. Now it is something I love just as much as I love basics or formss anything else about the Art. I like noticing this dynamically changing love, just like any other.

xoder: (Aluminum)
I've been reading an AskMetaFilter post about life-changing events, and I've decided to try and catalogue some of my own:
  • On Religion: Many of the comments in that thread talk to a single moment where a person realized that there was no God. I never had such a revelation because I never believed in one. I intensely realize, however, the moment I became a Discordian (albeit a non-theistic one): I was reading the Illuminatus! Trilogy and I realized that, despite my interest in order which drove me to engineering, science, etc., chaos was equally valuable, and should be respected. Of course, that doesn't mean that everything must be chaos (those who follow the purely Eristic path worry me), however, but instead that chaos has its place, and that creation/destruction is the sides of the Sacred Chao I'd rather worry about. Around this time I met [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet and shortly after I met [livejournal.com profile] malaul. Taking into these two important people, along with the "Enlightened Nihilism" I picked up from [livejournal.com profile] faboo, helped form much of my personal philosophy, such as it is. The fact that there is nothing that I have to do, except die, is something that I needed to learn during the more stressful portions of college, and I still need to remind myself of it often (c.f. my time troubles in an earlier post).
  • On Adults Being Wrong: Although often being told to take bullying by not responding and failing, I never considered this bad advice from my parents. The worst was when I was in first grade and I got a math problem wrong. I started crying (I cried a lot in elementary school, now I nearly never do) because my Dad had checked the work, and he should have caught any mistakes. I remember once being upset and loud about it when my mom screamed, "What do you want, my blood?" That shut me up quick and I felt how badly I was hurting her over nothing, simply by complaining. There's one more, and it involves riding back from Rochester with my dad, and talking with him about it a few weeks later that I'm not going to go into here, but a lot of you know this story, and if you're curious, drop me an email or a text.
  • On Mental Health: I was sent to a child psychologist twice when I was a kid. I never understood why, until my mom told me as an adult that it was because I was asking about suicide. The question I was asking was about English, actually. It was "What's the penalty for committing suicide?" See, that word, commit I'd only ever heard on TV law shows, committing purjury, committing murder, committing a felony, &c. She said that it was its own punishment, so I asked why anyone would do it then. See, committing murder makes sense, because you get some gain out of it (revenge, or sating a compulsion or something), same thing with stealing, or lying. To be fair, however, I was/am depressed a lot, and I was bullied a lot until about HS.
  • On Failure: In college I had a lot of angst about my first withdrawn class. Did this mean I shouldn't go into EE? Was there anything I was good at? I talked with my advisor about how it would look on my transcript, and he said, rightly, that one or two W's is not a bad thing—it shows that you know when to cut and run, and when to ask for help. Making a habit of it, however, is another thing. I never made a habit of it, and here I am.
  • On Success: When I earned my First Degree Black Belt back in 2000, I felt an intense sensation of having everywhere to go. I felt that I had so much to learn and now I was able of at least beginning along those paths. It was euphoric. Trivia bit: at every black belt test, your teacher comes up and says a few words about you, and at every one of mine, Howard has used the phrase "gentle giant."
  • On Speed: One time I was rushing off the train while I was still working in Chelsea, and the door hit my ankle as it was closing. I can still remember time slowing down and I thought: "I could do this to avoid falling, but if I screw it up, then I'll hurt worse and have more broken electronics on me than if I fall flat correctly." I fell flat, and I'm sure it looked very undignified, but I landed right and had no major injuries. Bonus story: While rollerblading at RIT, I took a turn a little too wide and had to hold my outside skate over the mud to avoid falling. I did OK for a good five feet, but when my wheels sunk in and got stuck in the mud (I had detachable wheels at the time) I did a roll, shoulder to hip, and came out unscathed.
  • On girls: This may not be accurate, but I feel I lost a girlfriend (back in college, not anyone I'm currently dating) due to a lack of libido on her part triggered by hormonal birth control. Since then I've been a little quick to assume drugs' influence on others' lives. This pisses off Erin when I jump to such conclusions about her.

OK, that's enough ridiculous introspection for one shirking from work day.

Big question: What would you say was your "life-changing" event? Or perhaps events?
xoder: (Sex for Bandwidth)
This post has been bouncing around in my head a lot, so instead of grabbing a book to read on the train yesterday, I grabbed a notebook and a pencil and went to town on it. See, I often think of good LJ posts when I'm on the train, but I cannot post from there. Well, not beyond a certain character limit. Anyways, on with the show.

I've noticed how easy it is to be pigeon-holed. The first time I remember this being shown to me was during my First Year at RIT. I was visiting BxSci just before Thanksgiving, and I found that despite my (mostly) successful efforts to combat it up at my new school, I was still "Peter, horny Peter"1 to them. The most interesting facet of that to me was that I began to act in accordance with this perception.2

I still notice this kind of feature occurring in newer social connections than my HS friends. For instance, when it becomes known that I'm somewhat smitten over a lady in a group, it is assumed that I cannot behave rationally or non-romantically around this person — even if they've consistently expressed a lack of interest and I've thus given up any designs on them. This is especially a problem because I have many friends that I'm attracted to in one degree or another, and just about all of them have shot me down. Which is fine, and expected: the chance of two people with mutual interest in each other is rather small in my experience. After all, not everybody's going to be attracted to me — most people are not and that's OK. In fact, it's probably for the best as I have some time-management issues sometimes.3

In fact, if one of these friends were to, out of the blue, suggest something, there's a good chance I'd say "no". Perhaps because after being just friends for so long, I've gotten used to the status quo. Or perhaps I've learned enough about this person that I realized it simply wouldn't work out as either a relationship, a one-off sort of thing, or even a friends-with-benefits situation. Please note, this does not change the fact that I find them attractive, and unfortunately, it does not much change my behaviors around them. I'm still the same overeager puppydog as always.4

Just to be clear, this post is not about any single situation, person, or thing, but rather about something that has been bothering me for a while. I hashed out a bunch of these ideas on the ride home from Arisia with [livejournal.com profile] glib_dichotmy, and really, this idea, half-baked as it clearly is, has been bouncing around in my skull since at least that experience at Thanksiving all those years ago at BxSci. Of course, I am sure I am just as guilty at pigeon-holing others as I accuse others of doing to me. Categorizing is something people do, and we do it well. I recently re-read Illuminatus! which throws this concept of categorization, and especially the concept of dichotomy, directly into the trash.

Now looking back at this entry I want to delete it all, because I'm afraid it'll be seen as passive-agressive bullshit. In addition, I don't feel I've actually accomplished anything by writing this out. I've posed no question, no solution, and only barely an observation.

1 Sung to the tune of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
2 And stil do to this day, despite my attempts at mindfulness.
3 You would too, if you had work six days a week, TKD six times a week over three days, and school two nights a week.
4 I've spoken with [livejournal.com profile] shoujo_mallet about this, and while she says I have gotten better about this, I have not completely subdued such behaviors. I'm not entirely sure I want to.
xoder: (Tao Antialiased)
My TKD instructor is looking to find a more permanent home for a pair of cats that a friend of his can no longer keep and foisted onto him. They're 11 years old and have been together for a very long time. They're very friendly—too friendly for his allergic girlfriend. They're housetrained, however they do climb on tables & shelves. The original owner may wish to visit them from time to time, I don't know.

Most cat folks I know have as many cats as they can handle already, or are too far, but I thought I'd put out a general call.


Mar. 20th, 2007 11:14 pm
xoder: (Polymath)
I'm at work, slowly working. Fun is happening a lot lately: new friends, exhibition/promotion test today, sleep dep silliness and
other goodness.
xoder: (Crying Penguin)
I would like to apologize in advance. Dear future bride, I will never be this leet. Sorry.

Whee text

Jan. 22nd, 2006 10:08 am
xoder: (E = mc^2 = hf)
So, excepting my usual ad-libbing, here's what I said last night at [livejournal.com profile] malual's mom's house last night:
Wherein Peter uses his certification )

You know, That was a lot of fun, I should find out what kind of registration I need (as I do need some kind of registration) to do that sort of thing in NYC.
xoder: (Default)
Well, as far as I can tell (and I'll be calling 311 to confirm), I am qualified to marry people in the Great State of New York.

Therefore, I will be performing faboo and Faelan's wedding ceremony at some point in the (probably) near future.

xoder: (Default)
Spain is love


May. 21st, 2005 05:43 am
xoder: (Default)
I love you. Yes, you.
xoder: (PokeCon)
(12:21:10) Erin: i am interested in you as a significant other
(12:21:17) Erin: has nothing to do with being a boy
(12:21:22) Me: oh, I see
(12:21:30) Erin: in fact sometimes i wish you were a girl
(12:21:34) Erin: but i make due
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