White male seeking understanding

[xoder]

So I was reading an Ask Metafilter question about being asked to smile. The thread is interesting but devolves into a giant "Men Are Pigs" fest. The operative theory being that men think women should be pretty no matter what, therefore they should smile all the time. In addition, the smiling somehow reinforces their submission to the males. Personally, I don't think I've ever asked anyone to smile, of either gender, but I often try to cheer people up through silliness and absurdity—occasionally to bad result. Given the initial question at AskMeFi, however, how does the answering public become so certain that the poster is female and is being told by males to smile? (Ignore, for the moment, that the poster marked a response as "Best Answer" pretty much declaring what the previous posters suspected.)

On a slightly related note: (most, if not all of) you know that I'm a tall, white male. That said, I feel very vulnerable telling women I find them attractive, as the song notes suggest I do. Perhaps its from the culture at RIT, where women could bring men up on "looking" charges and then those men could get expelled (although extremely unlikely—forced letters of apology and probation were much more common). Perhaps it's just plain old fear of rejection. Who knows. But I ask you, my reading public (which has many women in it), how do I avoid the first kind of repercussions (the latter, I have only myself to blame, I know)?

And on a related note to that last related note: most of the shame I feel from my eyes catching on attractive women for as long as is "safe" is mostly due to the fact that I feel I am consuming a resource (looking at an attractive person) and not contributing resources back to the "ogling pool", if one exists.

Thanks to s00j's K for giving me that second idea to think upon and ruminiate on since Lunacon '06. And thaanks to Sooj herself for the song which gave me the impetus to actually write out the thoughts I was having.

Comments

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

how does the answering public become so certain that the poster is female and is being told by males to smile?

Because the speaker signs with the name "sephira" and refers to her coworkers as "guys." That'd do it for me. Wouldn't make me 100% certain, but certain enough to assume it and then go from there.

But yeah, it's a stereotypical comment from men to women in an office environment that belittles the woman.

I am consuming a resource (looking at an attractive person)

Good looks are a renewable resource. You do not use them up and make the person less good-looking by the act of looking at them. If you feel guilty, you could try smiling back at the person when they catch you staring, hopefully increasing their happiness quotient in return.

Or if you wanted to say something, how's about "you look like a nice person." Women who aren't fixated on their looks prefer to be told they're good people over being told that they're good-looking. It also seems less like sexual harassment if you really think that's highly likely.

I would rather be noticed for my brains than for my looks. If someone always told me they thought I looked pretty, I'd be upset that they were so shallow and not caring WHO was wearing that pretty clothing, or that they were shallowly caring about aspects of my physical appearance that I have no control over. As a woman I feel a little more free to compliment women on their looks, but whenever I consciously think about it I phrase it as complimenting their choice of clothing, and therefore complimenting their judgement, rather than simply their physical appearance.

[rosefox]

Datapoint: I'd find "You look like a nice person" from a stranger to be totally creepy. My looks are public. Who I am is not, and making that kind of assumption about me feels like someone trying to get into my head where they don't belong.

Definitely in the "What a lovely scarf" or "Are you liking that book? I've heard good things about it" or "Hey, a Warhammer bag, is there a gaming store near here?" camp, here.

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

Good point, I wasn't thinking in terms of "creep factor," just in terms of sexism. Now that you've pointed it out, I agree with your "comment on the item, not the person" suggestion

[xoder.livejournal.com]

Or if you wanted to say something, how's about "you look like a nice person." Women who aren't fixated on their looks prefer to be told they're good people over being told that they're good-looking. It also seems less like sexual harassment if you really think that's highly likely.

Conversely, doesn't that mean that I'm making a character assumption based upon an appearance characteristic? Or what Rose said earlier in this thread...

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

True true. As mentioned above in the thread, I was making my point from a point of view of trying to avoid sexism.